Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Spinning my mouse wheel because that's how I scroll

   You would think NBA players would get better chairs to sit in during the game.

   My buddy told me he really screwed up with his wife and she told him he had better have something in the garage in 24 hours that goes from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds......I told him to get her a scale

   If it wasn't for bad luck, I would have good luck.

   Whenever I call a Jewish friend and they don't answer... I worry Mel Gibson has killed and eaten them.

   Hello drama... I didn't see you come in.... this party is by invitation only and I don't see your name on the guest list.... I'm gonna have to ask you to please exit quietly

   I returned an online purchase and the form said for your security, please use Fedex, UPS, USPS, DHL or Parcel Post. Exactly what other options do they think I'm considering: Horse? Catapult? Tooth Fairy? Santa?

   I hate it when people complain someone posted the outcome of a sports event because they recorded it to watch later. If you don't want to know the score, then stay off the internet!!

   dancing my cares away...down at Fraggle Rock!

   I can so admit when I'm wrong! And when that time comes, I will do just that.

   How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her.

   What did the duck say to the prostitute? "Put it on my bill"

   Do you know why rednecks like to "do it" doggy style? So they can both watch NASCAR.

   having you ever eaten an apple with a worm in it? well buy an iphone and you will feel like that.

   NOTE TO MYSELF: "The security code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card."

   eating alphabet soup and my spoon spells 'HOT'. Not sure if I should take that as a warning or a compliment.

   wish I could Google anything. I`d search "WHERE THE HELL IS MY IPOD?" and it would be like "UNDER THE COUCH YOU DUMBASS"

   If I get one more Farmville notification I'm going to strap my farmer with a flamethrower and start to decorate your farm.

   When someone say's "Let's do lunch", what they mean is "I don't care if I ever see your sorry azz again."

   you know when you lean back in your chair and almost fall over??? I feel like THAT all the time...