Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Take the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on and you get your "I like to play dumb games" name.

   As I write this I'm in an unmoving airport security line standing completely still in a stranger's fart.

   Ladies you should start a revolution like the bra burnings in the 60's only I say pantie burnings this time around.

   So a homophobe, a rapist, and a black guy walk into a bar, and everyone's like "Can I have your autograph, Kobe?"

   Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.....With a Hot Blonde and Winning Lottery Ticket!!.....DAMN!!! Didn't work again.....

   I Fell In Love With You,You Fell In Love With Someone Else,I Pray To God Whoever you Fell In Love With Falls In Love With Somebody Else...........

   The President's approval ratings are so low that the people in Kenya are now accusing him of being born in the United States !!!

   If gas gets any more expensive, I'll have to file for tankruptcy!

   I'm thinking of converting my car to steam power. I think if I actually burned the $1 bills I'd get more bang for my buck.

   I met with my new girlfriends father for the first time yesterday. The first thing I said to him was, "Sir, you and me have something in common.." "What's that son?" I replied "Your daughter calls us both Daddy"

   When I'm using Facebook mobile I always tag myself in my bed with 2 randcom chicks on my friends list.

   What Do Roads And Women Have In Common...."Manholes"

   My Friends Told Me To Get A Life,Instead I Got A Wife And Now I Miss My Life.........

   Stevie Wonders first text message: "lajjeoijalfweap'ojiejreojafjaoa;jfoweajaofjaofji"

   "Kidnapping" is such a strong word... I prefer to say "surprise adoption."

   Sometimes I wish I could delete other people's Facebook Status updates.

   What if love was like volleyball... all you have to do is call 'MINE!' and everyone else backs off...

   Well I was gonna donate blood until the lady got all personal and started asking "who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"

   wishes the movie concession stand would give her enough snacks to last after the trailers are over...

   Hey I like how you do your makeup! Really? Thanks :) Ya do you just dip your face in or use a brush?