Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's always that one person who makes you wanna raise your middle finger every time they speak to you

   Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't be mad, I'll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.

   Old is when your sweetie says, “Lets go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can't do both!”

   I love you like a fat kid loves cake, but lately that fat kid has been on a diet.

   Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke

   Facebook should change the "Friends" section to "Friends & People I've Only Made Eye Contact With".

   burned lots of calories tonday, otherwise known as "dinner". :)

   Unfortunately, its hard to get real, useful advice nowadays. But on the other hand, you have different fingers...

   God puts people in my life for a reason... & removes them from my life for a better reason.

   Lying in bed, wondering if it's worth it to get up and pee.

   *sends text message* *gets a reply 45min later* "Oh so it's like that? Ok, then I'm gonna take twice as long to text back!"

   : Forecast for the weekend - On Friday, mild alcoholism with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement close to midnight on Saturday. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.

   When the toilet lids closed, it's turned into a seat.

   When God was throwing intelligence down to the Earth, you were holding an umbrella.

   Sometimes I think that life is one big test...and I'm in the wrong classroom.

   How come if alcohol kills millions of brain cells, it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

   I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'

   Does anyone remember when gas was $1.09? Yeah neither do I.

   Why do you LIKE your own status on facebook ? that's like texting yourself a question and replying back to yourself with your own answer

   Am I the only once who noticed Michael Jordan has a hitler mustache in the Haines commercials?