Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My boss is always saying, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" Tomorrow, I am going to work Naked

   For some reason when I look at you, the alt+f4 button appear... Somehow I wonder

   I thought about joining the neighborhood watch... But my neighbors just aren't that attractive.

   I know a lot of women with A.D.D. (Attention Demanding Disorder)

   Oops. My "check liver" light just came on.

   I'm designing a solar-powered automatic flushing toilet for people like my ex who think the sun shines out of their ass.

   If her ass had a red "you are here" dot on it, I'd never get lost in thought.

   A recent study concluded that staring at women's boobs for 10 minutes a day increases life expectancy. In other news, I turn 137 this month.

   She told me she'd sleep with me when pigs fly, so you can imagine how happy I am to see that police helicopter over my house right now.

   Does anyone know where you sign up to get a tee time at the Masters or is this some kind of invite only bulls***?

   "Happy Birthday! Hope your balls finally dropped! :)" - Things not to post on your ex-boyfriend's facebook page. Apparently.

   I wonder if my life would be better if I wrapped it in bacon?

   Guy in office: "My computer just went down on me!" Lady in next office: "Which button did you press to get that???"

   Men are a lot like shopping carts, when you finally find one without a screwed up wheel, it already has a wife pushing it around.

   The test of Love is not how long it survives, but how it renews itself with each passing day.

   My Korean mate was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner........But someone let the cat out of the bag

   why do people say things regarding you, without mentioning you, and pretending it has nothing to do with you

   I offend people in a nice way

   Friends are like shoes. We look for good-looking ones, but at the end, we choose the ones we feel comfortable with.

   You have to speak to be heard, but sometimes you have to be silent to be appreciated.