Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There was this annoying guy at a movie. So I thought to myself..." what would jesus do " .....So I started the guy on fire.

   Went fishing today and was fairly successful. Caught 2 pounds of tilapia, using $13 cash for bait.

   saw a bumber sticker that said "Jesus Saves"...he must know where to find the cheapest gas.

   Monica Lewinsky turned 46. Seems like yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees..

   When I was a kid I thought there was nothing cooler than riding in a limousine, but as I got older I realized you could also do drugs in a limousine...

   Stabbin' it with my Steely knives, But I just. Can't. Kill. The. Beast.

   A rather scary statistic, 42% of Americans think the "little magic man in the sky", otherwise known as god, has a direct hand in causing natural disasters.....idiots!

   This isn't hell. This is where you get sent when you've been bad in hell.

   If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

   This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

   "I'm gonna name a beer called responsibly, so the other companies advertise for me ... "Drink Responsibly"

   Your so vain you probably think this post is about you

   Sheryl Crow has a cookbook out called "If It Makes You Healthy..." The complete title should be "If It Makes You Healthy...Then Why The Hell Does It Taste So Bland..."

   Music these days confuses me. I mean, are there really that many people out there throwing grenades at girls? I wasn't aware that this was an issue.

   I had no idea my woman had 61 boyfriends before me, but she must have. I just wish she wouldn't refer to me as her sixty-second lover.

   Noticed that the radiation has given me superpowers just like in the comic books. I can now see through glass, levitate birds, clone half of myself and posses the strength of a human.

   President Obama's approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.

   we often spend so much of money on buying clothes but never realize that some of the best moment in life is enjoyed without cloths!

   I always feel a little bad for a guy when I notice he missed a belt loop on his pants... or lost his family in a fire.

   Happy Humpday ...........hump like a camel and get down and dirty like frog nuts!