Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An Officer came to me and asked "Where were you between 4 and 6?" I responded "Kindergarten duhh."

   you correct my grammar, you better believe I will watch you like a hawk until I repay the favor

   I lost the bar trivia last night by one point. The last question was "where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer is , Fiji......

   Don't wear skinny jeans unless you have skinny genes. And two X chromosomes, Thank You

   A man goes to the Doctors with an hearing problem. Dr. says "Can you describe the symptoms" - "Yea sure, Homer is fat and drinks beer and Marge has blue hair!"

   Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old

   At this rate, the government should start up a fuel stamp program

   Some people say I'm a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again we're going to have to let you go."

   a picture speaks a thousand words.. but with photoshop, it tells a thousand lies..

   wouldn't it be funny if TLC would combine people from Hoarders and people from I Have OCD for a new reality show???

   When someone asks a dumb question it's really hard to not reply with a sarcastic answer

   Bowling is like doing meth, every time I spin I always end up in the gutter.

   If my blood alcohol was Butler's shooting percentage, I could legally drive.

   Hide your true colors and let people paint their picture of you.

   SHOW your true colors... and let people paint a picture of you.

   There's no such thing as a dumb question, but there is such a thing as an inquisitive idiot.

   Its hard to Turn a Boy into a Man. Is even harder to Turn a Hoe into a Housewife.

   Don't you love it when you punch someone in the jaw & they don't drop so you get 2 punch em again in the temple.

   In life you don't have to have a certain number of friends, you just need a number of friends you can be certain of.

   clocks visible at work should be banned. I can't stop glancing back at it after every task I complete. Its now 10:36