Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if I'll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at every guy on the job and saying, “This thing is broken!!!” (for us females!!! :)

   When someone tries to shoot at Colonel Gadaffi,do his bodyguards need to shout 'Gadaffi duck' ?????

   Why is Obama so interested in "liberating" Libya anyways, is he planning a vacation there?

   Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'

   Qhaddafi has vowed to defeat the NATO forces. In support of his troops, he has issued them state of the art sling shots and water pistols.

   Elizabeth Taylor dead? I thought she had been dead for years.

   you know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg

   In 2 years, the "situation" will change his name to the "cancellation" followed shortly by the "bankruptcy declaration"

   as a male I get offended when a girl asks me if I have abs..thats kinda like me asking a woman what size are her titts ..

   Michael Jacksons twin sister died... R.I.P Elizabeth Taylor...

   as a male I kinda get offended when a girl asks me to show her my abs ..Thats kinda like me asking a woman to show me her titts.

   Roses are unicorns, violets are green, welcome to the party, I'm Charlie Sheen.

   Having one of those days where I'm seriously considering swallowing a handcuff key....Just in case.

   Moms have "mothers day" Dads have "Fathers day" Lovers have "Valentines day" what do single men have?...Palm Sunday

   You can't hide redneck under a three piece suit

   My hamster died today. He fell asleep at the wheel.

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments or a court date.

   Facebook should change ” It's complicated ” to ” It's confusing & stressful. “

   Don't waste your time on someone who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

   If your music has been featured on "Jersey Shore" your band needs to break up.