Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A Lysol commercial just told me to disinfect the things I touch the most. I think this is gonna burn. Makes you wonder... can nipples burn from disinfectant?

   thinks that if I were to become a cannibal, I'd only eat vegetarians, just for the irony

   just cut in front of a guy wearing camoflage waiting in a long line and when he said something about it... I told him I didn't see him.

   I will abide by every single law and regulation while driving...not because I'm a good driver, but because there's a COP behind me.

   Irish I was drunk right now..

   i may be fat but I'm perfectly good at it, boobs on my chest but I like the look of it, fruit and veg may thin my legs, but chips and dips excite me.

   Advice for the Day: Relationships are like farting, if you push too hard, things could get messy real fast

   If you are not looking to get pregnant, the pill is the second best thing a girl can put in her mouth to avoid pregnancy

   time to take out the vibrator. Need my neck and shoulders to start feeling better. What did you think I was going to use it for?

   Your eyes are red,the beer is green don't party too hard,your not Charlie Sheen!

   wondering how long it took the first humans to realize the first person to die was dead? " Hey man wake up already you are starting to smell."

   sniffing coke and ice cubes got stuck in my nose

   Bless your little Irish heart and every other Irish part.

   When did "wear something green" turn into "dress like an idiot?"

   plan for the day. 1. get off work and drink till Monday. 2.figure the rest out later

   Enough with the Charlie sheen already! The guys a walking joke we get it....

   it just dawned on me that the Amish people are seriously laughing at us....and our gas prices!

   if it's not worth breaking the BYU honor code then it's not worth doing

   The one good thing about the English weather...if you don't like it - wait a minute..x

   Practice makes perfect......... Does this apply to lying too?