Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I sing I think I sound like an angel.. (; When really, I sound like a dying walrus!

   Dear Superman, I understand... I have a weakness for a certain type of rock too. Sincerely, Lindsay Lohan..

   That awkward moment when your parents are looking over your shoulder at your Facebook page, and you dont know what to do..

   Keep calm and mentally undress your celebrity crush

   Apple and Blackberry should team up and make a phone called the Pie.

   Called in my Napalm Strike and fried a whole bunch of Burritos.

   Cotton is getting expensive huh... If only there was a way to get people to pick cotton for free...hm

   My wife has got a Licence To Kill. Or Driving Licence as she likes to calls it.

   This world would be slot nicer if your parents didn't have kids

   I am so clever sometimes I don't even understand what I'm saying.

   Two women are sitting in church. One leans over and whispers to the other, "My butt is going to sleep". The other replies, "I know, I've heard it snore three times"

   Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.

   Don't worry about biting off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you think. ツ

   Let your smile change the world, but dont let the world change your smile

   Yesterday I told my girlfriend to come over because no one is home. I don't know why she was so mad when she arrived to my empty house. I said "no one".

   Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too...

   Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and lets play that game!

   If you teabag someone that is allergic to nuts, is that considered attempted murder?

   Glad I noticed it's Ash Wednesday so I don't tell someone they have dirt on their forehead...

   I used to think that Bert & Ernie were gay men living together. Then I came to my senses and realized that no true gay man would have exceptionally bad hair, a hidious unibrow and wear those terrible clothes. Rock on B & E!