Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

   America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

   I often want to pull up along side some moron talking / texting on their cell phone and ask them if they would drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up their a**, sideways.

   getting a beer out of the fridge when the wife walked in naked and said "Say something dirty to me"......I said "The dishes"...hahaha WINNING!!!

   if you let one of those dancing roadside Statues of Liberty do your taxes... your refund will be a hammer and a bag of tangerines.

   So I'm seeing this girl right? And.........ah who am I kidding....im gonna go masturbate!!

   Wishes there was a national "Free Domino's Day"

   Like a good neighbor, State Farm should bring Charlie Sheen's mind back.

   I feel a need to apologize. My wife just got back from Wal Mart and apparently, she bought it all. I'm very sorry for any problems this may cause other shoppers...

   The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.

   So, I just txt'd my mom that the baby might have a black eye tomorrow. Her response? "What does the other baby look like?"

   I'm a cool mom, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: Oh My God and WTF: Why The Face

   I take an on ramp to the freeway as if I'm heading to the checkered flag...wish everyone else did!!

   X wondering what the weather's like in India. I think i'll call AT&T.

   The only effective way to end a Facebook conversation is with “LOL”

   I'm not drunk I'm just German

   Everytime I go to the pet store I feel compelled to ask the store clerk "where are all the b!tches at?"

   When Charlie Sheen said he had Tiger blood, he meant that he had been sleeping with hookers and his ex-wife caught him.

   I have to laugh, so Facebook is now correcting our errors with red squiggly lines, yet spelling Facebook they way they do is wrong?

   promises she's not stalking you... by the way you are out of milk