Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drove to work on a donut today.. Other than the glaze being sticky.. It went pretty well..

   A lady is like a piano...If not upright she is grand

   INTERPOL has issued an arrest warrant for Muammar Gaddafi ...sounds like a job for Dog the Bounty hunter.

   My mom will never let me get a tiger blood snowcone ever again...that Charlie Sheen.

   Hey on LifeTime channel it is incest week! CHeck it out..

   You do the work of three people......Larry, Moe and Curly.

   Shirt tail under chin, shorts around ankles, both hands on pecker.......I just "little boy" peed

   If you had to go without sex and wear ugly clothes you'd be nun to happy too.

   "Relationships - are for ugly people!" - Charlie Sheen

   Blackberries are like girls, they only work when you rub one little button. iPhones are like men. One touch, anywhere and they respond.

   I'm thinking about going out tonight, because the Beastie Boys fought and nearly died for my right to party...

   Considering the millions of people using Facebook... someone somewhere must be typing the same word at the same time as I am... so... JINX!

   Love is like a glass door… Sometimes you don't see it and it smacks you right in the face.

   Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

   I love listening to my neighbor talk about his four year degree and when he's done I say...can you supersize that, then drive up to the pick up window.

   Silence is golden, but Duct tape is silver.

   custom fitted, custom kitted, wood grain, custom errything, whats that on the seat? custom mustard stain.

   My Take on Glee: So it's people singing, dancing, and having sex, all with a guy in a wheelchair watching. Kinda like an orgy at Larry Flynt's house.

   Grand Theft Auto is the only sourse in which I am able to express myself freely without any consequences

   Car manufacturers need to get with the program! I can't be the only one that wants a Death Ray option.