Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Kim Kardashian.... Paris Hilton sings better than you!

   Next Election campaign should be "real change" the one after it should be "seriously change"

   This one time, at band camp... I played the tamborine :) What did you think I was going to do at band camp?

   Party all night like animals, wake up feeling like road kill

   screw the box! I think outside the straight-jacket

   Wanna shake my weight ladies & save yourself some money ?

   I'm sitting here enjoying a delicious protein muffin. Some may say because of the chocolate frosting and sprinkles that it's a cupcake but that's just not true.

   ever stand there, making a pot of coffee, look at the coffee grounds and consider doing a line or two of em just to jump start the day? Yep, it's that kinda day !!!

   As we grow up, we don't lose friends, we just learn who the real ones are.

   It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol....

   when I was a kid I always wanted to see the face of the fat lady in "Tom & Jerry"

   I would like to thank Jesus of Nazareth for the good deal I got on my tires and Jesus of Guatemala for the speedy service.

   ...You cannot predict how people think because even cows cross the road in the pale moonlight

   A guy from kentucky won a 60 million dollar jackpot recently. He said he's going to split all the money with his wife and sister. Wow, that's one lucky woman.

   To Kim Kardashian: "They playin' my Jam"...seriously??? I've heard better tunes coming from my ass after chilli n' beer night. Please don't sing any more songs. The only "tapes" you should be mixin' are sex tapes. LOL! Seriously, I'm just sayin'....

   so out focus on my commute this morning that everyones heads were bigger then there asses. lol.

   like a good neighbor, state farm I there...with halle berry butt naked feeding me peeled grapes!

   I slipped and fell on ice today. I realized it was black ice when I got up and my wallet and keys were missing.

   A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!

   Daffy Duck has invaded Libya and wil now be known as General K'Daffy