Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when Ronald Regan was in office we had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have Obama in office with no hope and no cash

   The kid from Two and a Half Men looks more like Natalie from the Facts of Life everyday.

   Starting a petition for Charlie Sheen and Whitney Houston to co-host the Oscars next year. What a delicious treat that would be.

   Ever want to answer every question with a middle finger? That's kinda where I'm at today.

   well the heats off you for now Lindsey Lohan...tell Charlie Sheen thanks.

   The History Channel isn't what it used to be.

   The Oscars are over. From now on, any reference to "The King's Speech" should only reflect the things Charlie Sheen says.

   I think I'm gonna start lifting up my shirt, showing off my gut, and demanding to be called The Fatuation.

   thinks you should always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.

   Sometimes I whisper, "I'm on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world....

   Hooked on Phonics werked fer me :-)

   sex is my favorite sport

   i didnt realize how many amatuer meteorologist friends I have on facebook thanks for the 112 updates and photos of the floods ;)

   hooked on ebonics...tru dat dawg

   against recycling, because it makes me look like a huge alcoholic to my garbage man.

   I think Franco was hanging with Sheen before the Oscars.

   If you want to make enemies, go and try to change something. If you already have enemies, good! It means you've stood up for something sometime in your life.

   a little rusty with my Spanish so I'm gonna go ahead and assume "beunos tardes" means "so long, you f****** retards."

   when work feels overwhelming, I just reassure myself that I will die someday....

   As kids we want to be adults who can do whatever they want and as adults we wish we were kids who can do whatever they want