Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They need to hurry the f**k up and make these damn robots! I'm not gonna live forever you know!

   Quadaffi doesn't know what he's talking about. Al Qaeda spiked my coffee with acid and I don't want to destroy anything. All I want to do is wander around the landscape of my old copy of Myst and listen to Ozric Tentacles.

   American Idol would be more exciting if there was a trap door contestants fell through immediately upon hearing the news of being sent home

   Took my Beanie Baby collection to a Pawn Shop today. Really thought they'd be worth a lot more. Back in the safe they go.

   still has the christmas tree up in her room. I'm not a procrastinator, just an over achiever.

   i should not be allowed to send text messages to the opposite sex between the hours of 8pm and 7am fri-sun morning it only results in me making an a$$ of myself

   can't wait in 60 years to see what senior citizens will look like in jordans, timberlands with the pants that hang to there ankles and the shirt thats 13 times too big.

   That awkward moment when someone asks Sirius Black if he's serious

   1 ARM + 1 Leg = 1 Tank of Gas starting Next week!

   I am so addicted to the stupid games on FB that I don't think of getting older anymore, I just think I LEVELED UP!

   Honestly... why have faith in anyone that's not myself?

   This weekend: The Oscars, who will make the best dressed list? Who cares? The question I want answered is who will make the best undressed list!

   Just because it zips, doesn't mean it fits!

   Nothing worse than getting paid on Friday, after you spent your entire check on Thursday

   Since Two And A Half Men has been cancelled Charlie Sheen should star in his own reality show titled Two And A Half Brain Cells ~ My Life Filled With Drunken Binges, Being Wasted On Cocaine and Paying For Expensive Hookers.

   I have discovered that after a huge argument makeup sex isn't all that great if the argument was with yourself.

   just sent a text message to a random number saying "Im Pregnant"

   That's the last time I go there for breakfast, nothing ruins an appetite faster than a waitress that has so much facial hair she looks like Chewbacca's sister, eggs anyone???? I also cant help but wonder what this lady's shower drain looks like :/

   I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with you keeping your hands off of my body.

   not to self: dont respond "Im snipt" when she asks if you have a condom