Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   His speech was long and awkward like the line for the women's bathroom at a transgender convention.

   Today is National Margarita Day, however, it is also National Humble Day and National Walk the Dog Day. Guess I will go home and fix a Margarita, hook the dog up to the treadmill and hide in the closet while drinking said Margarita.

   February is Irony Month! I'm celebrating Irony Month by treating everyone equally, just like I do every month, because we're all human.

   I walked into the bank and put a bag of weed on the desk. The clerk says, "What r you doing?" I said,"I want to open a joint account"

   There are two types of people: Those who try to boil water in their toaster, and cowards.

   Hey old guy, could you possibly smell more like mothballs? Are you carrying some on you right now? Is your bedroom like a McDonald's ball pit, just filled to the waist with moth balls?

   "Let's save this so we can throw it away in few days" - Tupperware

   Did you know that most accidents occur within one mile of your home? Which is why I'm never going anywhere near your home.

   Jesus walked on water, but I staggered on alcohol

   I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How the hell did you get in here?" The other 2 didn't use shampoo

   Being a virgin in this day of age is something to be proud of. It is like being a unicorn!

   I spend a lot of time wondering what normal people do in my situations.

   Needs to get off my butt and get some cleaning done :/ Just the thought of it spoils my "HAPPY" mood. My husband always tells me he wants me happy, so I guess I will leave the cleaning alone.

   Now I'm not going to say Snoop Dog smokes alot of pot, but last night at a concert he farted and the entire first 3 rows got the munchies.

   Sometimes you have to go through hell to get to heaven.

   Heroes get remembered, but legends never die. If you follow your heart you'll never go wrong.

   wondering what the person who discovered the somersault was doing to discover it. He had to be crazy

   My grandma thinks the ipod shuffle is a dance move.

   I wish memories were like text messages so we could delete the ones we dont like & keep the special ones forever.

   Who came up with hugs? The very first hug must have been really creepy. “What are you doing? Why are you holding me?” “Just trust me.”