Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   learning about the artists leanardo, donatello, michelangelo, and raphael......but all I can think about is mutated turtles with nunchuks

   word of the day: nincomtard

   If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport. You'll get a free x-ray, a breast exam, and if you mention Al Qaeda you will get a free colonoscopy

   Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things of high shelves.

   Someone needs to tell my apt building that tapping the handle on a shower nozzle shouldn't change the temperature by thousands of degrees at once

   Just saw a "dance" pole listed on Craigslist at 10pm Monday, Feb. 14th…opened but not used…unappreciated Valentine gift?

   Sarah Palin and Snookie both Having NY Times bestsellers makes me realize being literate is overrated

   i dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.

   finally got my certification in the mail, I'm officially insane.

   She: "Ummm, I dont think we should, I have I boyfriend." He: "So? I have a skateboard but I'd much rather drive a car"

   just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.

   Lean pockets: for those of you who don't eat meat, but still like diarrhea.

   Lean pockets directions: Take out of wrapper and place directly into toilet.

   That moment when you realize you hit "reply all"

   having some serious PMS: Parked Motorcycle Syndrome!

   Hey girl look at you with all those curves, and me with no brakes.

   What to tell a girl before a one night stand - "If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.."

   Sales for Wal-Mart have fell again in the USA. This is just more proof that people have realized they have enough cheap crap in their homes.

   Goodbye Mr Coffee. Hello Mr Southern Comfort.

   There is not a worse feeling in the world than being at the Dentist when he has to use the restroom, you hear the toilet flush, you hear the Lysol spray- You don't hear the hands being washed….