Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   RIP Guitar Hero

   I really don't have time to date. My iTunes library is very high maintenance

   Anti-Depression Tip: Go to your local Wal-Mart and hang out by the fitting rooms. Instant "OMG I'M SO GLAD I'M NOT THEM!" happy.

   I think gang violence would drop dramatically if gangs behaved more like those in West Side Story.

   I wish Google knew if he still loved me..

   I hope $20 is gonna be enough to last me till next payday.

   The most painful & worst possible types of goodbyes, are the ones that are never said, or never even explained

   I hope when they write my biography they leave out my being afraid to poop in public places

   I still lie to my parents about drinking. I'm in my 30s.

   I am there for you no matter what, anytime, day or night, unless there is something good on TV or I am eating pie

   Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

   FYI: If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

   Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

   Help Wanted: Psychic. You know where to apply.

   I want to meet the skeletons in your closet...

   One of my tattoos stands for "One time I got really sh*tfaced and made a poor decision."

   Dear God, If you give us Freddie Mercury back, you can have Justin Beiber

   don't call me on the phone then after I answer tell me to "hold on a minute". If you do, I will hang up instantly. You called me! If you weren't ready to talk, then you shouldn't have dialed.

   Impotence: Natures way of saying "No Hard Feelings!"

   I feel like a million bucks today! Just wish I had luck finding a bank that will accept self esteem as a form of payment