Funny Status Messages
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"Are you excited about Halloween? People go out pretending to be something they're not, looking for handouts. It's like running for president." 
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
If your single and starting to feel a little blue about the coming Valentines day to make you feel better just remember that Saint Valentine was imprisoned then beaten to death with a club and candy and cakes will be 50% off the day after 😊
People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in...
Amazon just broke up with New York... on Valentine's Day...
My Chinese pal is very upset about Peter Tork, and has been muttering "I'm a bereaver" all day?
I'm hoping the next big Trend will be modesty.
If Trump wins I'm leaving the country. If Hillary wins I'm leaving the country. This is not a political post, I just want to go on vacation.
RIP Mainstream Media.
If you have trouble remembering every mistake you've ever made, just pour your wife 3 glasses of wine.
Named my daughter after my mother in law. In fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.
If you ever feel alone, just remember you can talk to the CIA using your phone or smart TV... #Vault7
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
Why are snooze alarm minutes so short and microwave oven minutes so long?
Amazon is buying Whole Foods for $13 billion. Ironically I think I spend $13 billion at Whole Foods also.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Bieber cancels the rest of the concerts of worldwide tour, maybe she's pregnant 