Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Liverpool top of the league. Russia and US on a war footing. New Paul McCartney single. What is this, 1989?

   Sometimes I screw up intentionally just so I can say, “You were right dear” B itches love hearing “You were right dear”

   People who never had suicidal thoughts probably never touched a wet bathroom door knob.

   Sometimes I feel like I respect spiders just because women hate them.

   Let's play a cruel joke on your husband and make a baby for him.

   After a one night stand I scream stranger danger repeatedly until they leave.

   why do some people have a uterus AND a mustache?

   It's true. Girls just want to have fun. And ruin your life in the process.

   Denims are my favourite hand sanitizers.

   It's not poetry, if it's not written in blood.

   If marriage has taught me anything it's that there is no shortage of por n on the Internet.

   Insomnia is for people who haven't tried watching Keeping up with the Kardashians.

   I would never wanna see my girlfriend cry, That why I got a password on my phone.

   Not to alarm anyone but I just saw a flying pig. It was in a helicopter but I couldn't figure out which one of the Kardashians was it.

   All women get paid for sex. Some take cash, others accept three lunches/dinners as payment.

   why drunk showers are a bad idea: almost accidentally waterboarded myself. moral of the story: use the buddy system.

   Always hide your liquor from your boss, that way you never have to worry about...sharing.

   Sorry I confused sexual tension with regular tension and got us both fired.

   Over thinking. Ruining great ideas since women began.

   If cats could deliver pizza, I would be pretty much done with all human interaction.