Funny Status Messages

   I wear a Mullet in the Summer to prevent becoming a Redneck. Seems a bit Contradictory.

   Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

   Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months. there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

   I don't know if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.

   I had White Castle for dinner tonight. It was so good my butt gave them a big blowout review.

   I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add

   Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

   Christmas and Thanksgiving should be at least 6 months apart. It's insane to see these people again so soon. Absurd.

   what would happen if you're scared half to death twice?

   They should sell liver sandwiches at baseball games to complete the misery of the entire experience.

   I told my wife that before the dogs and I go out, she needs to give us the 3rd Degree. Because at least 3 degrees is warmer than what ever it is currently in the Tundra called the midwestern U.S.

   - 2018 starts with a full moon - 2018 is the year of the dog I’m onto you, werewolves.

   I love finding money in my clothes after wash…..its like a gift from me....to me

   Back to the future was yesterday people hello the 21st not the 22nd retards

   those people in the office with the rolling cart full of everyone's mail....they really push the envelope

   Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.

   "Diddy be giddy cause he be founded not gitty!" - The Ghost of Johnnie Cochran

   I've never seen 'Downton Abbey', but I did see the episode of 'Roseanne' when Becky "cut the cheese" at least 50 times.

   I pay attention to who reacts on my posts, because as soon as I get rich I'm buying you all tacos.

   A man and woman in Idaho became the oldest couple in the world to divorce — they are both 98 years old. It was an ugly breakup too...... She found another woman’s teeth in their bedroom.