Funny Status Messages

   I bought a watch at a secondhand store and it's real slow. I played cards with my buddies later that evening and the second hand lost a second every second hand.

   Sons Teacher on zoom: On December 21st Saturn and Jupiter will align to form the Christmas star. Me in background: pssst....son ask her where Uranus will be? Son: Teacher where will Uranus be? Teacher: Well it will be over here. [Points to map] Son: Uranu

   This is the only post not stolen from funny tweeter

   As a child I learned to play piano by ear. As a teenager I learned to fiddle with my pen1$.

   They say that laughter is the best medicine. But if you're laughing for no reason, you need medicien.

   i love how everyone is like "I'ma take this to the next level" meh most of you could get past level 1-2 in Super Mario Bros.

   Yesterday I threw a ball for my dog. I know, it was probably a little extravagant but it was his birthday and he looked so nice in his new dinner jacket.

   I used to be addicted to soap but don't worry, I'm clean now.

   Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

   FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 12 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

   Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her

   I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

   I miss the days before there was facebook when running into a friend you hadn't seen in while was like "Oh my God! what have you been up to?!" thats now like "Hey, I saw the casserole you posted last night, looked great"

   To the thief who stole my anti-depressants, I hope you're happy.

   If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas.

   Men marry a woman, hoping she's a nymphomaniac, and in a few years, the nympho leaves, but the maniac stays.

   It's not a real relationship, until you've apologized to a locked bathroom door.

   If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually go to the bathroom in a day.

   Everyone go get vaccinated so we don't prove Darwin's theory of natural selection to be correct.

   PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating