Funny Status Messages

   The Internet reveals more devils than vast hell can hold.

   Have a (cough cough) happy(cough cough) 420 (cough cough) everone

   Score steam: The steam on a lucky teenage boy's car windows

   It's so hot that I've been sweating more than a drug smuggler going through coustoms.

   Men.... Try role reversal in bed with your wife. And you have the headache for once.

   "Read a weather book about rainbows called Rainbows by Sunny Showers."

   Scary movie called the Nun is coming out. Nun of the movie is scarier than the previous movie The Priest

   What does it mean when you drink an entire bottle of gin by yourself?

   I went to my local library yesterday, and asked: “Have you got a book on handling rejection without killing?”

   There's a secret apartment at the top of the Eiffel Tower. Oui, Oui, this is where I plan to meet a French prostitute the next time I visit Paris.

   there anything other than Pokemon happening out there in the world? .... Nah

   Why is Columbia the only school capable of producing Ghostbusters?

   Always have very good instincts. For example, I can always tell when someone is throwing hot coffee on me.

   I feel sorry for the robbers who were wrongfully accused by Ryan Lochte. #justiceforharambe

   “Lunch is on me!” -Guy who just threw up on himself

   Everytime we go out for pizza, calzone and garlic knots, my girl always has to ruin the evening by ordering a salad.

   Ryan Lochte will be teaching swimming lessons at the community pool starting next week.

   If I die by gunshot, at my funeral I want at least three midgets re-enacting the 'bullet scene' from The Matrix.

   Never bring a knife to a gun fight; unless it's attached to a gun; look...just also bring a gun. Matter of fact just don't go to the fight.

   Dear friend, Regrets I can't go to your wedding. Shagging a Naval Officer. It will last longer than your marriage. Godspeed.