Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Listen to people when they are angry, because that is when the truth comes out.

   You should donate blood, all of it.

   Got kicked out of the secret cooking society. I spilled the beans.

   A day without laughter is a day wasted.

   If an adult has ever said “you’d make a great lawyer,” what they really meant was, that they think that you’re an “a” double dollar sign.

   People who don't swear haven't had the right food and sex.

   My cat taught me that you can get whatever you want, if you’re completely annoying.

   What if we used to be able to make wishes, but then someone wished that we couldn’t.

   Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

   Native Indians: “Turn in your firearms, they will protect you.”

   When battle music plays during the game, but you can’t find the enemy.

   If you see me in the garage practicing my nunchaku, just keep driving. I don’t want you getting pregnant.

   When the internet collectively bullies the “Ministry of Truth” to the point it’s dissolved before even starting. I am so proud of this community.

   I’m lost, better turn down the radio so I can see better.

   It took you 15 minutes to get home, google maps says it takes 12. Who is she?

   A hundred years ago everyone had horses and only the rich had cars. Now everyone owns a car and only the rich have horses.

   Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

   The British are coming, put up your gun free zone signs and run to the safe spaces.

   To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

   As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.