Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Misplaced my smart car. Thought I left it on the counter... And yes, I checked in the couch cushions already!

   My daughter ran into the wall, fell, got up, and ran into the same wall. Thank god she's pretty.

   If only life was as easy as getting fat.

   The 4 most popular words after sh!tty sex: “I cheated for this?”

   I don't objectify women but I do womanify objects. Namely this sexy ass toaster over here. Hey, girl.

   My pot never calls the kettle 'black' because I don't buy talking marijuana

   A boomerang is just a frisbee for douchebags with no friends.

   I love being a father. Children start off as little bundles of joy and eventually grown up to be great at getting you a beer.

   It's so hot out, Jehovah's Witnesses are telemarketing.

   If you can't take the heat, you're really going to hate my flamethrower.

   I don't know what people are thinking when they ask stupid people what they were thinking when it's pretty obvious they weren't thinking.

   If by eating pizza, tacos and waffles in a single sitting then yes I've had a threesome before.

   "So what qualities do you think qualify you for this job?" "I'm an idiot" "You can join today" *How managers are hired*

   I love strippers. They're awesome. Plus I can't get my girlfriend to do shi t for a dollar.

   Hey ladies, awesome news, I checked, they sell hoodies in the women's section too. I know, right?! ..I'd like mine back

   So you'd like to know what I do for a living? So would I.

   Eminem is the only rapper that sings crap about his mom. Because all the other rappers are black and know about getting their asses whooped.

   You can tell some girls are sluts because you can smell it through their Facebook photos.

   Spelling is not my best subject but I'm great at meth

   Single mothers must make the toughest decisions every day. Decisions like "Which children's toy is giving up its batteries for mommy?"