Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Pro Tip: Don't ask a chick if the Carpet matches the Drapes You sound like a interior decorator & everyone knows Interior decorators are gay

   Broke up with Taylor Swift. Her new song “No I Won’t Do Buttstuff With You and Your Stuffed Penguin” is NOT about me. Repeat, NOT about me.

   My house is so messy, I swear when I walk through the front door I hear the "Sandford and Son" theme song playing.

   Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don't come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.

   I'll be glad when it's warm enough to pee outside!

   How do I love thee? Let me count the empty cans.

   I wish I had half of the fight in me as the spider that I just washed down my bathroom sink did.

   Dear Taco Bell, Can you please include people drinking beer and getting high in your commercials. Sincerely, your core demographic.

   I saw a gorgeous Thai woman on the subway today. I kept thinking, "don't get an erection, don't get an erection," but then she did.

   Hey guys who write updates about how all girls are beautiful and should be respected, did you figure it out on your own or did your boyfriend tell you??

   I'm so single my p 0rn is in a folder called p 0rn.

   Ladies call me Adobe Updater because every time I pop up they're like ugh not now

   Just saw a girl choking on a cupcake so I quickly ran over, took her phone and Instagrammed what was left of it. She's perfectly fine now.

   It's not a real party unless someone gets a d ick drawn on their face.

   My best friend's marriage is such an inspiration. As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

   My cat is my date and we got asked to leave the Olive Garden. Probably because she's black.

   Girl's facebook status: I'm done with this sh!t.. Me: Did you wipe?

   If Charles Manson can get married in prison I should at least be allowed to text at red lights

   The grass is greener on the other side because my neighbors are Mexican.

   My friend handed out wedding invitations at her baby shower, like the classless knocked up slut she is.