Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sign at 7 eleven, gas is 7.11, “the prophecy has been fulfilled.”

   When someone gets loud with you and you’re considering unleashing every single one of your inner demons.

   Remember kids, don't play with fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all day set them off. Happy 4th of July!

   A friend asked me to play the part of Brutus in an upcoming play about Julius Caesar. I told him that I would take a stab at it.

   The older I get, the less “life in prison” is a deterrent.

   What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.

   I loved being in my 20’s. A whole decade of being in my physical prime and mental rock bottom, what a dynamic.

   Her: So, I slept with 3 guys before I met you. Him: Omg Karen, I was only 20 minutes late.

   Sorry I sprayed WD-40 in your mouth, but it did stop that noise you were making.

   Social media has made too many of you comfortable with disrespecting people and not getting punched in the mouth for it.

   Apologize when you’re wrong. Stop looking for quotes that support your stupidity.

   Just when you feel like humanity is finally waking up, the last two psyops proved 99% are still asleep.

   Right or wrong, make a choice. Life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t decide.

   Chris Wallace is having daily breakdowns over CNN+ sucking so bad.

   When she’s sleeping…. Take her eyelashes off and make her a mustache with them. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   Don’t be sad that your flight has a 7 hour delay, be grateful for your 30 dollar 2 inch sub sandwich.

   Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven whilst I slumber in yon bedchamber.

   Heads up guys, there are some real weirdos in this group. Someone messaged me to meet them in the woods for a naked Satanic ritual and then they didn’t even show up.

   You’d be surprised how quickly employees will assist you after you try to start a chainsaw.

   4 out of 5 dentists recommend sugarless gum for their patients who chew gum. The 5th one recommends wax lips.