Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tweaked my neck sleeping and threw my back out sneezing. I’m probably one strong fart away from complete paralysis.

   When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it.

   Wish there was such a thing as a biscuits and gravy truck, and it played bluegrass music over the loudspeaker when it drove through neighborhoods.

   When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

   When people talk about traveling to the past, they worry about radically changing the present by doing something small, but no one in the present thinks that they can change the future by doing something small.

   Apparently, it’s rude to poke someone in the forehead and say, “skip intro,” when they start talking to you.

   Nightmares are just free horror movies that you produce, direct, and star in.

   My girlfriend just told me to not let her buy anything at the mall, which is kind of like when a werewolf asks you to chain them to a tree on the night of a full moon.

   Please explain again your loathing for woman but want desperately to become one. We find you utterances disturbing yet intriguing.

   Crushed feelings emergency kit: Contains one tiny violin, one stick remover (also works for corn cobs), one box of tissues, one pacifier, cookies & milk, how to scroll past things you don’t like instruction tutorial, and a sense of humor.

   If you hate yourself, remember you’re not alone. A lot of other people hate you too.

   These last few years have felt like being tied to a chair and watching a toddler play with a loaded pistol.

   When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

   So, the legend goes… that the “M” from MTV, used to stand for music.

   The best weight you’ll ever lose is the weight of other people’s opinions.

   Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

   Don’t judge me because I’m quiet, no one plans a murder out loud.

   What if slugs are just snails that have gone through a divorce. “Yep, she got the house.”

   Sleep hits different when you’re not supposed to be sleeping.

   Stop bringing crappy Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came out into the woods to hear Katy Perry.