Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you’re on your 8th “dam, that’s crazy,” and they’re still telling you their story.

   When you click “accept cookies,” but then you don’t get any cookies.

   God Bless Rednecks! Merica!

   A mistake that makes you humble is better than an achievement that makes you arrogant.

   There is no rule that says you have to get married and start a family. Normalize sharing a mansion with your five best friends and ten dogs.

   Eating spaghetti and my white shirt is like, “let me taste it.”

   Saw a store sign that read, “We treat you like family.” Well, NOT going in there.

   Wish I was a caterpillar. Eat a lot, sleep for a while, wake up beautiful.

   With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

   Acupuncture ~ proving that stabbing someone can make things better.

   Catch Some Z's ~ It was first used to represent snoring and sleep in a 1903 comic strip called Katzenjammer Kids. Comic book artists used “z” in their work because of its association with the English idiom “sawing wood.”

   Her: Is your stomach flat? Him: Yeah, just the “L” is silent.

   Separating your laundry by color is a myth created by big detergent to sell more laundry sauce.

   Just watched someone who bought a dozen eggs without even checking them first. Talk about an unhinged wealth flex. 🙄

   Yeah, you’re made of star stuff, but so is garbage, so calm down.

   A satisfied life is better than a successful life. Because our success is measured by others, our satisfaction is measured by our own hearts, minds, and souls.

   You wanna listen to some Pop Country, or would you rather go to China and lick some doorknobs?

   The only intelligent tactical response to life’s horrors, is to laugh defiantly at it.

   Re-reading my own post every time someone likes it. “Ah yes, quality content.”

   Dear plexiglass, thank you for protecting me from the cashier who just touched everything I’m taking home.