Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   I saw 3 people pick up after their dogs this morning. Top of the food chain? .. Yeah right

   Some people update their Facebook status at the most inappropriate times, and this is the longest eulogy I've ever heard.

   No matter what, there will always be dirty thoughts of you floating around in people's heads somewhere.

   Talking to boring people makes me feel like I’m underwater and I'm running out of oxygen.

   It's fun to confuse people by using common sense.

   Santa has been cleared to enter US airspace. But he will be subject to strip searches by TSA. Since elderly people rarely file lawsuits.

   I'm not afraid of stupid people. I'm afraid of intelligent people with stupid ideas.

   If there were a pill for stupid....some people would have to take more than one.

   How about when you're in line at The Walmart and they herd ya over to express checkout and the people behind you get all pissed off.

   Just brought a bottled drink and it had written on the label 'Still Water'. Good, because if it had changed to cider, I probably wouldn't have drunk it.

   The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company's low profits on Obamacare — which is odd because most people won't eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance.

   People with those rims that spin when the car isn't moving, how often do you have to replace the hamsters in those things?

   I ran a half marathon once. (Actually that's just what I tell people. It sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died half-way through a Full Marathon.)

   I hate people who are too stubborn to let things go just because they don't want to be told "I told you so".

   I wish I had as much closet space as people in horror movies.

   Yahoo's search engine is just two drunk guys leaning out a third-floor window accousting passerby with your questions.

   Don't use alcohol to solve my problems but when I'm drunk I'm an expert at solving yours.

   We didn't have presidential candidates like this back when people could smoke at their desks.

   Glad the election is ending so people will stop hating me based on my political views and just go back to hating me based on my personality.

   An #Asian in charge of #Transportation? Plus also being #female? I plead the 5th on the grounds of making people mad with the joke I have.