Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 21 of 6383
It’s called “gross pay” because it’s disgusting to see how much money you would have made before taxes.
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07-18-2022 01:28
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I identify as a microwave dinner, because I’m ready in 5 minutes, look nothing like my photos, and I’m just satisfying enough for you to want me again when you’re desperate.
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06-18-2022 00:58
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That’s supposed to be a high five emoji, not praying hands. People out here dying and you’re high fiving.
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07-23-2022 00:01
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The only way I can catch errors in my messages, is to read them from my sent folder. 😏
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01-24-2023 00:19
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They say you are 22 times more likely to be killed by a cow than by a shark. This is true, my ex chased me with a knife once.
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05-08-2022 20:36
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Her: The fences need painting and the car needs washing. Him: Kids! Who wants to learn karate.
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05-11-2022 00:47
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Love ~ Giving someone the power to destroy you and trusting them not to.
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05-12-2022 01:34
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Soon, the public will be unable to think or reason for themselves. They’ll only be able to parrot the information that was given to them on the previous night’s news.
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05-13-2022 03:02
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Women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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05-21-2022 03:34
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Things I have in common with a raccoon: Dark circles around the eyes, eats junk, cute, a little chubby, up all night / sleeps all day, will fight you, possibly rabid.
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06-05-2022 02:53
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How many of you are 12 years old and playing with your mother’s phone while she’s asleep?
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06-10-2022 01:39
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Teacher: “And, that concludes our lesson on the Bill of Rights, any questions?” Student: So, like, none of that counts if I’m scared, right?
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06-11-2022 01:40
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If you go parachuting and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall; I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
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07-25-2022 01:05
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Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep screwing me.
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06-09-2022 23:28
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Fun Fact: The majority of archeologist are women, due to their natural ability to dig up the past.
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07-01-2022 01:50
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Had a hen who could count her own eggs, she was a mathmachicken.
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07-03-2022 06:39
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You’ll repeat what you don’t repair.
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07-03-2022 11:24
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There is no cloud, it’s just someone else’s computer. 😐
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01-24-2023 00:20
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If you’re 50+ it’s time to leave them young girls alone and get yourself a woman that recognizes the signs of a stroke.
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05-19-2022 07:31
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Being sarcastic on a regular basis can add up to three years to your life.
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05-19-2022 07:34
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