Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When Jimmy Garoppolo said he watches a lot of film, I thought it was talking about football

   Netflix should probably just start asking "Is there someone I should call?"

   Dear problems..plz gimme a discount..I'm your regular customer

   "Better to be the worst of the best, than the best of the worst."

   Saying “just kidding” is a way to tell the truth without getting punched in the face.

   If you leave a cupcake out long enough, it just becomes a cookie

   There is strength in loyalty; not in numbers.

   If I had a pet unicorn, I'd probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

   . A Hypochondriac is a person who can't leave well enough alone.

   Whoever coined the phrase, "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

   Sometimes I put my car in neutral at stoplights and roll back a little so people will think I drive a manual...

   Me: You have a horrible memory ... Wife: Well, I guess that's why I still love you.

   If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive.

   To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.

   In honor of it being Friday the 13th, whenever I hear a strange noise, I'm going to investigate it braless, and wearing cute panties.

   Contrary to popular belief, it's actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress

   I better get to sleep. I have to get up early to call in sick to work.

   I don't know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day. When I think of romance,the last thing I think of is a short,chubby child coming at me with a weapon.

   Those fake living rooms at IKEA should have a couple in them trying to assemble IKEA furniture and fighting.

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock against the wall in the morning is the fact that it's also my cellphone.