Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Would do anything for happiness but not like diet and exercise or staying off social media and seeking help from a professional.

   I don't think I can ever forgive the news media for reporting Angelina Jolie filing for divorce like its real news.

   Don't listen to Billy Joel's piano man. It turns out that making love to your Tonic & Gin will get you thrown out of the bar.

   I removed a "ha" from a "hahaha" in a text so I wouldn't send the wrong message about my enthusiasm.

   Surprised Kim didn't snapchat the whole Rob thing....:P

   The best thing about spotify, is that I can see who I could actually ride in a car with and not want to strangle before we ever go anywhere.

   We've spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.

   What's your favorite part of Fall? Leaves changing color? Crisp weather? Realizing we're all marching towards imminent death? Hot cocoa?

   Probably the worst thing you can hear when you're wearing a bikini is "Good for you!"

   Show me a kid's reaction to the kissing part of a movie and I'll tell you what time his or her curfew should be.

   The only thing I have in common with people who go on Shark Tank is that I, too, cry anytime somebody gives me money.

   In an attempt to eat healthier I started buying Coke and Cheetos at Trader Joe's.

   Her: [seductively removes dress] I want you to rub me down there *points Me: [removes joint pain cream from cargo shorts] Is it knee pain?

   Society is going to judge you anyway, so do what makes you happy.

   if I ever do remarry I am going to find one of those government agents who can't talk about what they do all day.

   I rather be tired from working than to be broke.

   You: Cows are friends, not food. Me: Name one cow you’re friends with.

   A new study says that a lot of people will believe anything that starts out by saying a new study says.

   Google before you post" is the new "think before you speak"

   My main job as a husband is to taste things that my wife thinks smell like they've gone bad and tell her if they taste bad or not.