Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We were so close, I never noticed I had been deleted as a friend.

   If I ever win the lottery, I'd stay the same person I am today. My poor decisions, however, will become gloriously epic.

   I don't mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...

   First Rule of Camping: Start building the tent before you start drinking....

   Figured out why woman love serial killer documentaries so much. They’re about men who are dedicated, they have a plan, and are full of surprises.

   My great-grandfather fought in World War I and survived mustard gas and pepper spray. You might say he was a seasoned veteran.

   Gold Star Chili ~ The only place where you can ask for a 3 way and not get charged with sexual-harassment.

   That one sounded like a un-oiled door opening slowly.

   Never tie your shoelaces in Paris.

   Just made me some synonym rolls. Just like grammar used to make.

   The hardest part of Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting you don't have a problem.

   My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can't stuff your face when you're sleeping.

   I can't imagine a better slogan for an eyeglasses company than, "Buy your glasses here if you ever want to see your children again."

   No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you've ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.

   One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

   Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?

   I'm waiting for them to dump Col. Sanders. Last thing we need right is a fried chicken pitchman who looks like a southern plantation owner.

   I would like to announce my candidacy for mayor of Facebook.

   Love this time of year when I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it's just a cute Halloween display.

   At my age, safe sex means only sleeping with women who know CPR.