Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Uber driver explaining he's never been able to hold a regular job as he merges on to the freeway at 80 mph while playing the dashboard drums.

   One of my fave discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.

   I don't know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.

   When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.

   When you volunteer at a soup kitchen, apparently it’s “inappropriate” to put out a tip jar.

   I drink to forget that I accidentally once said " I love you" when ending a call with a customer service rep.

   Our family rule is that if the kid's costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

   As a kid getting sent to bed was a punishment, but now leaving my bed feels like a punishment

   not having to set an alarm is one of the greatest feelings EVER!

   Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it." FML.

   Which rock group has 4 men that can’t sing? Mount Rushmore.

   Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

   I hate it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party! Besides, my dog is receiving his First Communion that day.

   with all these statues getting removed, I'm worried now about asking "the general" about car insurance

   WTH did the Groundhog see its shadow or not???

   This morning I phoned in to buy tickets for an Elvis tribute act. It was an automated phone system which said: 'Press 1 for the money / 2 for the show'

   How many coworkers have to ask you "what's that pee smell" before you admit you're wearing a new cologne?

   No wife ever shot her husband for doing the dishes.

   I took the Facebook quiz "Which Sex and the City character are you?" Turns out I'm the bus driver who splashes Carrie in the opening credits.

   I hate it when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick someone in the ass to wake it up.