Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   I'm at that very brief period of drunk right now where I love my life and everybody in it.

   You can usually tell which people dressed as mascots on the side of the road are only doing it for the money.

   just seen two homeless people kissing so I screamed "Get a box!!"

   When people stutter I have a really bad urge to shout "REMIX!"

   When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.

   Sometimes The Best Thing To Say Is Nothing. Some People Are Not Even Worth Your Words.

   What's the deal with people who hit you up on the chat, then take twenty minutes to type their responses? DELETE.

   My heart goes out to all those Frustrated people who are Stuck in Traffic, on their way to the Gym to ride Stationary Bicycles...

   Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there?

   You say, "I think we should see other people" like I haven't been doing so ever since we started dating.

   Cat burglars commit daring robberies with stealthy skills, while kitten burglars are so cute people just give them stuff.

   Whatever I did to make you hate me, I'd like to know. I have other people I can use that on.

   If have slept with more than ten people this year then you have no ryt to call your reproductive organ a private part. It is now a Universal Charger !!

   A female friend of mine said "single people can get sex whenever they want. I told her thats half true, a single woman can get sex anytime she wants. A single guy can only if he lowers his standards and ups his weight limit.

   the problem with new years resolutions is that people aim to high, start small like..."im not going to fart in church."

   Why do people think you'll remember somebody if they say the name twice? "You remember Steve?".. "Steve who?".. "Steve, Steve."

   Some people don't like pizza or bacon, those people are called terrorists.

   I feel sorry for people who don’t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor

   For some reason people drive by and laugh at you when you are sitting in the front of your boat using your laptop while the boat is in the driveway..It was to nice of a day not to be out in the boat. Just never made it to the lake. :)

   Whenever I get one of those muffled, through-the-purse, four-minute-long voicemail messages where the person thought they hung up but really didn't, I always listen to the entire thing. People do some funny sh*t when they think no one is listening.