Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is ham the only lunch meat that gets its own radio

   Arm wrestling your spouse for the last donut is not foreplay, I know this now.

   You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

   why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

   Wife got me a heart-shaped pizza made with cauliflower crust, talk about mixed messaging.

   OK. Who is the genius who decided to call them Dentures and not Substitooths?

   What’s worse: a broken heart, or knowing you’ll never be flexible enough to roundhouse kick your boss in the face?

   We say we don't want Mexicans to take jobs away from us. Do we really want a job to clean up and shovel crap around???

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your clothes dryers have a "Fold" cycle? It's 2017 for Chrissake. -Me

   Inside my house I have a smaller house that keeps food cold and an even smaller house that heats food up...

   I still don't understand why Oprah didn't use "Come to Oprah and Winfrey gifts!" as a slogan for her show

   With most women it's not about how much money you make, what you drive or where you live at......LOL Who am I kidding, even the homeless women go after the homeless guys with the most stuff

   I need a bumper sticker that says "Sorry for driving so close in front of you."

   To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.

   I signed up for aerobics classes and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

   When life gives you a hundred reasons not to go to work today.....don't argue with it

   That silly moment when your gas tank is on 'E' and you turn the music off like it's going to save gas

   We get it, He-Man, you’re a male.

   I hate it when google starts acting feminine by giving me a suggestion even before I complete my sentence

   Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba.