Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Actors in movies kiss each other for like 10 seasons and don't fall in love but when someone likes my profile pic, I think about it for like 5 months.

   St Patrick's Day taught me a valuable lesson, I'm not young enough to drink anymore.

   Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up. .

   3 things I don't like: 1. Focusing on things I don't like 2. Lists 3. Irony

   Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.

   I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.

   When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.

   Most all the women I meet in bars think I have a nice butt. Because as I walk away from them after talking to them. I hear them say "what an ass."

   If there is a Little Debbie then that means somewhere out there is Large Deborah and don't dare touch her cakes

   Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson just had a baby girl and did not name her 'Pebble.'

   Well, looking like Bill Cosby's gonna get to meet Fat Albert, for realz.

   It's steak, not stake dumb ass.

   I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?

   My kid just found an Easter egg in the back yard, if you want to know how often I do yard work.

   remember moms, if you smell burnt toast you're not having a stroke...its the kids trying to make breakfast

   I'm so old I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean.

   If this new pair of camo crocs doesn't get me laid tonight, nothing will.

   Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.

   I just applied for a job with the local police. While I wait for their reply, should I start going after criminals or is it too soon?

   What dad's really would like for father'r day. To be left alone so they can drink their beer in peace.