Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
←Rate | 08-11-2020 08:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you are ugly with pretty eyes, this is your moment.
←Rate | 08-07-2020 13:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but it sure gets your hands clean.
←Rate | 08-07-2020 09:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
←Rate | 08-10-2020 08:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon No, things are not getting worse. They are just getting more obvious.
←Rate | 07-19-2020 11:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Acknowledge many, trust few, but always paddle your own Canoe
←Rate | 07-13-2020 16:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
←Rate | 06-24-2020 08:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right, and evil doesn't become good, just because it's accepted by a majority.
←Rate | 07-23-2020 20:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a Walmart men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
←Rate | 03-06-2020 10:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My body is the result of thousands of pull ups. Pull up to the donut shop Pull up to the drive thru window Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”
←Rate | 06-01-2020 12:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
←Rate | 08-10-2020 14:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My gardening skills improved since the quarantine. I planted myself on the sofa in April and have grown bigger ever since...
←Rate | 06-14-2020 09:45 by Gabe Comments (0)  


   messageicon 87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed
←Rate | 04-05-2020 07:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Look, all I know is none of this sh*t was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
←Rate | 06-19-2020 08:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
←Rate | 07-14-2020 09:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
←Rate | 07-15-2020 08:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I miss the good ol' days, when no one had a clue what 'gluten' was.
←Rate | 08-10-2020 14:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon ‘We both know you need to pee:’ ~the monster under my bed
←Rate | 08-10-2020 08:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
←Rate | 08-07-2020 08:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
←Rate | 08-10-2020 08:46 Comments (0)  




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