Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I like to reassure my wife that even though I don't have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I'm a really loud screamer.
←Rate | 07-18-2019 10:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No need for me to storm Area 51... I've been to Walmart...
←Rate | 07-19-2019 10:06 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon Stop naming hospitals after dead people. I'm mean give us some hope? Where is the Keith Richards Memorial Hospital?
←Rate | 07-17-2019 07:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon [first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
←Rate | 07-18-2019 15:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Area 51 is where they keep the working McDonalds iced cream machine.
←Rate | 07-19-2019 18:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't need an Old Age app. I just need a mirror.
←Rate | 07-19-2019 10:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Took a step outside. Whew! Hotter than a Salma Hayek lap dance. I'm going back indoors.
←Rate | 07-19-2019 12:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thanks to Facebook me and my friend's can now send each other invites and make plans months in advance like we're going on an expedition to the upper reaches of Mongolia to get together for a cup of coffee.
←Rate | 07-17-2019 21:50 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was a kid, selfies used to be called narcissism.
←Rate | 06-17-2019 11:06 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sorry for writing "Everyone makes mistakes" in your wedding guestbook.
←Rate | 07-12-2019 14:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people's mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
←Rate | 07-10-2019 13:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Silver Lining: A 350 credit score prevents Identity theft! just saying
←Rate | 11-10-2018 22:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Somebody clearly missed the opportunity of a lifetime when they called the game Mario Kart instead of Mario Speedwagon.
←Rate | 02-26-2019 11:04 by HotTea Comments (0)  

   messageicon Restaurant toilets are so dangerous. So many of my dates have gone there and never some back.
←Rate | 07-12-2019 09:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don’t like the term “dad bod”. I prefer “father figure”
←Rate | 07-12-2019 22:18 by PosterBoy Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Goodbye, everyone. I'll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
←Rate | 09-28-2017 08:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you work hard, save your money, go out and buy that expensive thing you've always wanted, then your lazy friend says "Must be nice."
←Rate | 02-26-2019 06:42 Comments (2)  

   messageicon I need a leaf blower, but for people.
←Rate | 09-06-2017 14:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why do recipes say to "preheat oven?" Shouldn't it just be "heat oven?"
←Rate | 02-21-2019 11:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. " Mark Twain.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 23:37 by Mark.Twain Comments (0)  

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