Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "We are not even close." -Romans building Rome, end of first day.

   Every restaurant in the world is packed on mothers day but they want us to BBQ on fathers day.

   me: it's not about how many times you fall, it's about how many times you get back up cop: that's not how field sobriety tests work

   I wonder when the CDC will recommend closing the southern border.

   Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.

   Well…. It’s “we finally got Donald Trump day” again.

   What do you get when a topless blond rubs sunscreen on a topless brunette? Your camera.

   Statistically, a gun is much less likely to be used in a crime than a Senator.

   You'd be surprised at how quick Lowe's employees help you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try to start a chainsaw...

   Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

   Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you.

   Your ignorance may be bliss, but it’s giving the rest of us a headache.

   I don't approve of poll-little-cow jokes, I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

   The CDC recommends wearing your mask on your butt to protect against Monkeypox.

   If I die, don’t let me vote for Biden.

   The next person that says “the jab” is gonna get “the shot” in the arse.

   Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.

   Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

   To defeat the latest variant, experts recommend doing all the things that didn’t work the first time.

   When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."