Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Lady Gaga and Prince had a kid, they should name him, "The Artist Formerly Known as Alejandro"....

   ***Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 3.1

   Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? A: Because his pecker is on his head!

   When I die, I want my tombstone to have an iPad built into it. So all my friends and family can write on my wall.

   If I could do it all over again... I probably wouldn't be pu$$y and make the remark "If I could do it all over again."

   I feel sorry for guys who are in relationships with one woman.

   Gary Hinman, Sharon Tate, Jay Sebring, Abigail Folger, Wojciech Frykowski, Stephen Parent, Leno LaBianca and Rosemary LaBianca. Hopefully their families have a little peace tonight. There's a little less evil in world.

   Redneck word of the day, Obama……I bought me a case of beer but I drank it Obama self.

   I think I must be a closet obama lover because... My girl says I can never do anything right.

   JUST MADE A TEAR GAS FROM BAKED BEANS AND ONIONS..

   A text from my mate : "I'm guaranteed to shag the missus up the bum this weekend. She's dyslexic and think's it's Vaseline's Day."

   Got a call from my mum. She wanted help with her jigsaw puzzle. I said "Sure thing,just look at picture on the front of the box.". "Its not helping"she said. "Its just a stupid rooster!" "Mum,you daft cow" said. "Just put the cornflakes back in the box."

   Live everyday as though its your last........ and one day, you'll be right.

   attention walmart customers, obama has officially declared that the drug war has ended, we will be selling marijuana, crack, cocaine and heroin on isle 7. thank you and have a nice day

   It took George W. seven years to tank Clinton's economy. Now, it took Trump three years to tank Obama's economy. Best president ever!

   Ruth Bader Ginsburg actually died years ago. She just got the memo today.

   "They" are just mad because Obama's taking away things they've been getting away for years...excuse me, decades and that's.....GREED.

   A Chicken Sandwich walks into a bar, and orders some food & beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

   so today at work, I accidently ripped one in front of a hot female. Seein I was embaressed, she cheerfuly responded, "oh yeah?". She then proceeded to lift her leg and cut one of the ripest farts ive ever heard. Oddly awesome.

   thinks we need to stand by our North Korean Allies.