Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women! You can't live with them, you can't do most positions without them.

   No wonder why Lebron James is a cowboy fan, they have one thing in common, they play good for 3 quarters.

   live life in the slow lane and get left behind...

   BOY:"Would you wear socks if you had no feet?" GIRL:"Nope." BOY:"Then, why do you wear a bra?" GIRL:"Why do you wear pants?"

   On the way home today rush hr traffic I let 8 people in and got 2 waves.should have a rocket launcher ..just saying..KABOOM

   Just ate some candy corn and am sick of Halloween already.

   i wish my car ran off MONSTER like I do or even trident layers (imagine)..lol

   What do I mean no? Let me clarify....No! As in the opposite of yes. And as in you get nothing!!

   reading the latest edition of Better Homes & Gardens while wearing a Mexican wrestling mask.

   dear FB... I assure you, the people you think I may know... not only do I not know... but i'm also pretty sure I wouldn't want to

   Inmate: Dam Officer these cuffs are to tight.... Me: Ooooh my wife says the same thing all the time. Quit whining!

   It's not how many woman you know, but how well you know woman

   Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others

   I could pull it off but my liver is calling in sick in the morning

   in a world that has Taco Bell is there really a need for X-Lax? just sayin :)

   Gotta keep things interesting. I can turn doing laundry into a scene from an Indiana Jones movie.

   I really hope the meteorite that crash in Russia doesn't affect the price of Vodka!...Cause I'll Go Mexican..Tequila!

   maybe that girl thought that water tower was a jacuzzi! canadians...

   RIP: Bonnie Franklin. Muddle up to heaven one cloud at a time.

   Why do they still use smoke signals? They've not heard of Twitter?