Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you are a real man, take care of your woman. Because if you mistreat her, ignore her, or don't take her concerns seriously, another man will.

   Wat does this mean? "When I see an ugly obese woman pushing a cart full of kids in a store, I immediately think "Who keeps fuck!ng you?" Mild obesity is not hereditary like ugliness.

   Forget Al Qaeda, negative people are the real terrorist.

   RIP Ann B. Davies (Alice from The Brady Bunch) The closest thing to a lesbian on 70s tv.

   If it wasn't for Als ice bucket challenge most americans wouldn't get to shower

   The people at the pet store sure do get mad when you walk in dressed as Mario and start hitting turtles with a big hammer

   Myspace: Died a couple of years ago. Facebook: In the hospital. Twitter: At the strip club throwing ones at the big booty bit$hes.

   My family was so poor when I was growing up that if I hadn't been a boy, I wouldn't have had ANYTHING to play with.

   Going to: ❒ Paris ❒ New York ❒ London ✔ KITCHEN... I'm hungry

   just spit out his stride gum.

   just because I flirt it doesn't mean I'm interested, it just means I'm awake

   laying on his bed, looking up at the stars and wondering... WTF??? wheres my roof?

   thinking of opening a drinking/gambling establishment and calling it Liquor Up Front, Poker in the Rear

   proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years :D

   wants an asian monkey just so I can name it "who flung pu"

   We have a huge water crisis here! So I'm trying to make the biggest effort that I can to help conserve. With that said, I'm about to take a shower, if any ladies would like to join me then by all means come on in, we must save our precious h2o. HA! =p

   Amy Winehouse joins the Forever 27 Club. When does Lady Gaga turn 27?

   Jesus died (temporarily for 3 days) for your sins (then resurrected with sweet superpowers). So you (really don't) owe him anything.

   I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got the damn thing off, she had left the room.

   having it her way