Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   * Thank goodness I have direct deposit so I can advoid having to see his signature on my check.

   hates the status quo.

   I hate when people can't be original when they post a status. They find something funny and clever then pass it off as their own. Copy/paste this status if you believe in originality.

   Happy "James Earl Ray" day

   Find a girl that takes care of you, like the press takes care of Joe Biden.

   There are so many candles on my birthday cake, the Girl Scouts are gonna show up, form a circle around it, and sing Kum Ba Yah.

   God did NOT create man! Man CREATED God! #TRUTH

   If you enter into a relationship and discover she has 5 kids and a Yorkshire Terrier, give it up. There's no way you'll ever win out over the Yorkie.

   connecting his drainage to your bath tub...

   just got my 6th Pfizer shot and now I can see 15 seconds into the future

   What the “booming economy” means to me: higher prices for food, healthcare & gas. Anyone else feeling it?

   Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

   I don't wanna Rock and Roll all night anymore. An hour is fine. Two tops.

   November 8th 2011: Call of Duty: MW3 + Alcohol + Women = A Night to Remember

   Russia’s been barred from the 2018 Winter Olympics. No word yet on whether they’ll be barred from the 2018 U.S. elections.

   tired of using technology

   spreading some positive molecules

   ”The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.” – George Washington

   Pope Benedict is so old, there are only two jobs available to him. 1) Bag boy at the supermarket. 2) Run for President on the Republican ticket.

   Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.