Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Renaming my wifi network to 'Police Surveillance Van #2'. That should keep the neighbors peeking out the windows toes for a while 
Men are good for two things and two things only... Going down on you and taking out the trash... And even then the only thing that seems to be done properly is taking out the trash
Four years are almost up. Are we richer beyond belief yet? Are we moving on up? Are we getting that deluxe apartment in the sky? Did we finally get a piece of that pie? Uh huh, I thought so.
With Christmas just around the corner, it's important to remember to never trust electronics buying advice from people who have Beats headphones.
Was at a restaurant earlier and when I asked for the check the waitress said "Do you wanna box for your food?" and stunned as I was all I could say was "No ma'am, I'm against violence. Can I just pay with my card?" What is this world coming to?!
right before I die I'm going to say " I left a million dollars in the.."
What happens in an exam : Tik tok, Mind block, Pen stop, Eye pop, Full shock, Jaw drop, Time up, No Luck.
The most unpleasant people on Earth: Old, wounded, narrow-minded and religious types.
Chaz Bono doesn't have the balls to be a Male ball room dancer..
I am a female. Fe = Iron. Male = Man. Therefore I am Iron Man.
Yep, you would worship anything because you are dumb.
Did you hear?? The Pope is giving up Jesus for Lent!!
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knees to chest "saggy pants", KNEES TO CHEST!
The rain delay the Daytona 500 is experiencing is God crying over his redneck children for using only .000001% of their brains.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, No, first a Gibson, then a Fender
I can't use public toilets for fear of spending hours trying to break into each toilet roll holder to turn the paper around the "right" way.
My wife said I couldn't finger paint and also she says that "Paint" is a stupid name for our cat
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight
Brad Pitt once asked me out. I was in his room.
ipad? now that apple is making femine products, i'm holding out for the ipon... 