Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   right before I die I'm going to say " I left a million dollars in the.."

   What happens in an exam : Tik tok, Mind block, Pen stop, Eye pop, Full shock, Jaw drop, Time up, No Luck.

   The most unpleasant people on Earth: Old, wounded, narrow-minded and religious types.

   Chaz Bono doesn't have the balls to be a Male ball room dancer..

   I am a female. Fe = Iron. Male = Man. Therefore I am Iron Man.

   Yep, you would worship anything because you are dumb.

   Did you hear?? The Pope is giving up Jesus for Lent!!

   If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knees to chest "saggy pants", KNEES TO CHEST!

   The rain delay the Daytona 500 is experiencing is God crying over his redneck children for using only .000001% of their brains.

   I can't use public toilets for fear of spending hours trying to break into each toilet roll holder to turn the paper around the "right" way.

   A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, No, first a Gibson, then a Fender

   My wife said I couldn't finger paint and also she says that "Paint" is a stupid name for our cat

   Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight

   coffee because I grind so fine

   Macaroni wouldn't be nothing if it weren't for cheese. Cheese, on the other hand, doesn't need macaroni to stay pimp. I think we all know who wears the pants in the macaroni and cheese relationship.

   Brad Pitt once asked me out. I was in his room.

   ipad? now that apple is making femine products, i'm holding out for the ipon...

   living in a pineapple under the sea

   ..is off to spend some quality time with her gf. Be back in two minutes! :-)

   Ladies do you suffer from camel toe? Well suffer no longer the cure is here!!! Cut a piece of cardboard to fit your under garments and presto chango no toe!!!