Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL

   I'm having an anti-valentines party in my pants for all the single ladies.

   At some point I'm gonna have to start foingto the gym or do crystal meth. Just Sayin

   As it says in Corinthinans 2: "The hateful bigot shall be forgiven if after 7 years he blames someone else while promoting his hotel."#amen

   Trump spends so much time golfing that if he doesn't qualify for the PGA Tour by the end of his presidency he's a failure.

   In hell your laundry is all fitted sheets.

   Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Current president.

   Funniest thing about all of this is the fact that some people still stick up for him.

   : Baby trump needs to read two folders a day of positive news about him self , so he can feel good about him self. Boy talk about a bunch of fake news.

   Wife: Why is your back all scratched up? [flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone] Me: I'm having an affair

   When one door opens, just hope that it’s the fridge and someone is about to bring you a beer.

   I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

   Stock Market News as of Today; The Dow has doubled since Obama became president. Or as Republicans call it, devastating economic news.

   Who else feels like prank calling the voter's fraud hotline?

   Ever have one of those days where you pull a leaf off a tree branch and the whole tree falls on you , that's me today

   Before we start having any hope for the future of humanity, we should really look into how Women park Cars

   I think climate change isn't a hoax afterall. - Florida

   I hate when I take LSD, and see a raccoon, and I'm all "The Hamburglar is shape-shifting, man!"

   Today will forever be known as Cinco de Mayweather!

   What do we want? A cure for TOURETTE'S! When do we want it? C(_)NT'S.