Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's the form of public transit most rife with filth and disease? Let's name our sandwich shop after it

   I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five each other because it’s negative.

   Strawberry pancakes are just like regular pancakes but they got arrested for coke possession and picking up a prostitute in 1999.

   I embarrassed my friend the psychic with a surprise birthday party.

   In South Africa we have a president named Jacob Zuma, do you know him?

   I have an all-black cat, I named him Cracker. I've never had an all-white cat before..

   Ladies; if your man has to stand on something to change a light bulb, you’re in a lesbian relationship.

   The death of Friends star David Schwimmer this afternoon came as a huge shock to me, but it's made me realize how this s ite is a primary source of news to many people. Which is why you just believed me that David Schwimmer is dead.

   Canadians aren't as polite as everyone thinks. In fact they're pretty gangster. Today, for instance, I witnessed a drive-by apology.

   Happy Father's Day, Bruce Jenner!

   Sometimes you just gotta text your ex and remind them they ain't sh*t... Just in case they forgot.

   If you like Star Wars. Your Special. Will you fix my Computer!!!!??

   Dear God: If we can have Paul Walker back you can have Justin Beiber and Miley Cyrus.

   Russell Wilson will blow it like all black leaders just watch

   The world will go to war over anything. The mess in Brussels right now. I mean, how important are sprouts. really.

   Young Trump supporters are the kids who sell a gram or oregano to you for $25.

   I got a new phone Friday, it has Texas Hold 'em installed and OH MY FREAKING GOSH IS IT SUNDAY ALREADY?????

   Lets cut to the chase here...How much will it cost me to get laid around here?

   If their called smart phones, why is it that only idiots use them?

   have you ever notices all the women who quote Marilynn Monroe, dont like nearly hot enough to be handled at their best, let alone their worst!!