Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i became a resentful, self centered, science freak egomaniac by joining atheist mingle

   A midget fortuneteller broke out of the county jail. Police report there is a small medium at large.

   “Little Marco…” “Trump has an orange spray tan…” Maybe it’s just me, but I personally wish that they would settle things the exact same way that Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton did in 1804.

   (Glass breaks) Her: I think someones breaking in! Me: I'll take care of this! (grabs a toilet brush) Her: A toilet brush? What are you going to do scrub him to death? Me: Would you want to be touched with this?

   Stephen King has been murder slaying Trump on Twitter since the "rabid coyote" descended the Trump Tower escalator in June.

   How does a man like Bill O'Reilly have such an intelligent vocabulary?

   You keep writing inspirational messages on Facebook, bro. I'll be over here banging that chick you like.

   Studies show that marijuana use is up in this room over 11 minutes ago.

   Always be yourself. Unless you can be Bat Cat... Always be Bat Cat.

   English: even when they had guns, the still preferred to smash the sh1t out your face in a fair fight.

   Now there is a tradition on facebook of all my female friends sending me naked selfies at Midnight ok, Its not me fb insists.

   Women like taking boiling hot showers bec it reminds them were they came from , hell

   The mind is everything my friends; what you think long enough... you eventually become.

   a chinese vendor just sold me a new movie calles ' 50 cent of Drey'

   As soon as I get finished with this dozen donuts and gallon of chocolate milk, I am going to focus on losing the 20lbs I added this winter

   I really worry about people who have Jesus as their pilot. I don't think they even had airplanes back then.

   Doing a 'selfie' actually means something quite different than what I had originally thought. Sorry weird stranger, whom I called a 'sticky handed monkey pounder'. My bad ツ

   Wait a second! Alan Thicke's sone sings that hit R&B song? But I thought Kirk Cameron was a televangelist?

   If dialysis saved your life, you may be able to sue someone for money!!

   Don't treat someone like a chocolate chip cookie who treats you like a raisin cookie.