Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dont drink these days. I am Allergic to alcohol and Narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.

   Facebook, Instagram, Whatsapp...Is Mark Zuckerberg trying to put together The Infinity Gauntlet of Social Media ?

   "No fair! You cleaned the bathrooms last time! It's my turn!" said no one ever

   I'm in touch with my feminine side. ... She just doesn't know it yet.

   It's either have some chocolate or stab someone. I hope I have change because I have a knife...

   So I finally had chicken noodle soup with a soda on the side. And I must say, it was not everything I was hoping for.

   What if they're looking for a "ping" but it's really a "pong?" Airplane jokes are really the in thing.

   Girl browsing on Tinder: no, no, no, no, yes....Guy browsing on Tinder: yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes

   I had lunch today with a woman. Okay, so the woman was on a TV show eating at the same time I was. Okay, so the woman was Berta from Two and a Half Men.

   So many porcupines... so little poop.

   I don't do selfies. The only time I picture myself is when I am with you.

   You don’t know how much someone is worth to you until you sell them out.

   Being straight means sexualizing some unusual inanimate objects, particularly beer bubbles and mops.

   Ever have one of those days when you don't give a rats ass only to find that you pleased a rat ?

   It's not fair how easy it is for kid to make kool aid these days.

   Sorry I had a glass of wine and ruined our relationship.

   Sometimes . . . When you cry, no one sees your tears. Sometimes . . . When you are in pain, no one sees your hurt. Sometimes . . . When you are worried, no one sees your stress. Sometimes . . . When you are happy, no one sees your smile. But just fart one

   Mike Tyson , Miguel Olivo .....if the zombies do come, it looks like they're starting as athletes 1st

   WTF. Adam Lavine photoshops his face onto my body? so pissed right now...

   I look so young for my rage.