Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know your farts must really stink when you fart and your dog gets up and leaves the room.

   Whenever they show the crowd at Yankees stadium...every Yankees fan looks like an out of shape Paulie Malignaggi.

   #BeBest - Excludes 16 year old girls with Asperger's

   Corona Virus,NO NOT THE BEER PLEASE GOD NO!!🍺

   My idea of surf and turf is salt water taffy served on Easter grass.

   what do you call it when a cow is sitting down? ... ground beef

   So Joe Exotic was the first gay man to run for president not Mayor Pete #TigerKing

   Animal rights activists are currently looking for rabbits to volunteer for vaccine testing.

   I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met some of Andy's mom's toys. Especially since they probably have the same names...

   I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

   I'm the reason Waldo is hiding

   Pretty sure that Flynn wants immunity so he can confess that he was the one who took a deuce in the urinal.

   If I don't ask your opinion you don't have to give it to me

   Falling in love on the internet is a lot like running on a treadmill for an hour and expecting to be ANYWHERE else!

   When I die, I want my ashes scattered in a pile in front of my smartphone.

   ...what do you mean I can't get change from the church collection plate? I only have $20s.

   If you watch the movie Flashdance backwards, it's about a girl who made it into a ballet company but decided to be a Welder by day and Dancer/stripper by night.

   You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.

   Be strong, I whispered to my wifi signal.

   A recent study determined the number one reason couples divorce is marriage. . .