Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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5 year plan? I havent even planned this sentence volcano. 
Every time I play NBA2k, I’m deeply offended there are no short players with minimal basketball skills. How could I not be represented in a game that has nothing to do with my life?
Haven't looked at Facebook in a while and have been doing things I don't normally do while looking at it like reading books, verbally talking to friends, noticing my surroundings and showering.
I think politeness is important. That's why I offer my seat to a lady when I get off the bus.
May the 4th be with you all today.
Anyone know where I can find a Facebookers Anonymous meeting? Asking for a friend.
Just a motivational facebook post to myself to help me be more productive today - Log Out.
Me- wtf who ate all the Oreos?? 17-you did. Yesterday. I saw you. Me- go to your room.
This youth group broke the number one cardinal rule of making money at a Car Wash. They let the fat chick hold the car wash sign.
if your PC gets a virus from a porn site, is that a STD for computers?
I'm not saying I'm out of shape, but following a brisk hike down the stairs to the fridge I just sweated out Vince Vaughn holding a bottle of bourbon.
Some have so big egos that they probably get off in front of a mirror
Was just about to pump iron but then I thought, "Does a rose need to wear perfume?"
Dear Zombies, I'm ready for you because planning for your attack beats applying for jobs. Sincerely, Can Zombie Slayer Go On A Resume?
ok but i'm out of cialis so you have to wear the boba fett mask
to love or not to love....theres no question :-)
wondering what a "PANG of DISAPPOINTMENT" is....
got a call from Cupid asking me where I'd like him to fire his arrow on my date tonight! I said nowhere as I can't afford her to deflate!
"my, aren't you looking floppy today" is not an effective greeting, unless you want them to wonder why they look floppy for days to come
politicians need those burn-proof suits like NASCAR drivers wear....liar liar pants are on fire 